Will You Marry Me? (Thoughts on the Dwindling Culture of Marriage and Commitment)
By: Deji Yesufu
Omobolanle Adeyemo is a Facebook celebrity of sort who uses her wall to bring much benefit to people – particularly Nigerians. Having lived in Canada for a number of years, among other things, she helps Nigerians move overseas legitimately. With a following of over 35,000 people, she recently grabbed the blue tick on her name on Facebook. Adeyemo also uses her wall to share people’s challenges. An individual will write to her, many times on marital issues, and Bolanle will publish the story anonymously – seeking people’s counsel. It is one of such issues that has occasioned this article.
Lady is in a relationship with this guy – a medical practitioner. Relationship is going five years plus and both of them are over 30 and not yet married. Both had their individual businesses which was affected by the coronavirus pandemic. The lady has gotten back to her feet but the guy has not. Now he’s working on leaving the country and returning to commit to the lady in marriage. Actually the latter is the problem because the lady is not seeing Mr. Man committing, despite the fact that she has been the one footing much of the bill in their relationship since the guy has not been financially buoyant lately. She is now asking for counsel on what to do.
Here is where I think the trouble is. The trouble is not in the age of this couple, or the fact of the man travelling out, or anything of such. The trouble is simply this: something has kept Mr. from committing to marriage. That thing has hindered him from asking: will you marry me? What is this thing? At this point I will attempt a wild guess which if I am wrong will render all my essay redundant. But I will still make the suggestion because even if I am wrong on this particular case, I will still be right on some 90% of such cases.
Here is my conjecture: the reason Mr. has not committed to Ms. all these years is because the two of them have been sleeping together. It might look like a light thing but it very important. Ladies may take it for granted that they give their bodies to their men but most men don’t. Sex before marriage is proof to a man that a woman is cheap and is not worth committing to. The guy continues to chew on what he has not bought and is unable to break the habit. The lady’s biological clock ticks away and she doesn’t understand why.
Dear lady, when you give your body to a man, what exactly of worth do you think is left of you? If you do not understand, let me explain: men and women are wired differently and this plays out in the art of sex itself. After coitus, the man is fatigued and wants to sleep. The woman on the other hand seeks to cling to the man. Nothing renews a woman’s love than sex. But the man is like: eat and clean mouth, then move on. The only institution that will preserve such a man’s commitment is marriage. So let us bring this scenario into a relationship where the marriage bond is not available. The man continues to get what he does not sweat at finding. I dare to say that when a couple head to the wedding altar, half of what the man is thinking of is how he will sleep with his woman. When the man has already had this, why do you wish he commits himself to marriage again?
While religion has become incredibly unpopular in our culture and time, the biblical admonition that couples do not engage in sex outside of marriage remains one of the best safeguards against life challenges. The Jewish-American thinker, Ben Shapiro, said that these three things will guarantee success in life: graduate high school (university for Nigeria); get a full time job; and wait for marriage before having children. The latter item is saying basically: honor the institution of marriage and even though Shapiro is not a Christian, the Mosaic law where God commands humanity not to commit adultery is a pointer to the secret of both a successful life and marriage. So while I will heartily enjoy Christianity and the message of Christ and his redeeming love on my readers, I’ll also hasten to urge them to take the institution of marriage seriously.
So I advised that lady to sit her guy down and get him to talk. She had said they have been unable to do this, so I added that she should get an authority figure to be present at their talks and get the guy to think and to commit. See, that recommendation has only a likelihood of 40% succeeding at this guy. He is a doctor in his early thirties, heading out of the country. He has nothing to loose. Dear lady, you have been his fair weather friend all these while. If you had kept yourself, this guy would have committed to marrying you since. Sleeping with you would have been more than enough inducement to marry you. But since he has had the pudding without cooking it, what is your use now?
So is there hope? Well first I wish this lady all the best. I’ll be happy to hear the guy eventually committed to marriage because after indulging in pre marital sex, most men only commit to marriage when there is a child involved or when it has become obvious to everyone that this guy will be a moral fraud if he leaves the lady. To keep his face he then marries her. However all of these would have been avoided if sex was not involved.
My counsel is therefore not for the young ladies who are in this thing already. It is rather late for them. My counsel is first to parents: keep your female children. Guard them. Talk to them. Pray for them. If possible, find responsible men of faith from good homes to marry your daughters. I remember my late father in law becoming very upset with my wife and I a few months to our wedding. I had visited her at home and we spent some time alone in her room talking. Nothing happened o! But Prof. will have none of it. We could not even be alone in a room before marriage!
Second, young lady living with a man you are not married to. You are stupid. If you have any worth left, you will move out of that man’s house or room as the case is most times. Give yourself some worth and the guy might still consider you worth pursuing. The worst is these dumb ladies living off campus, doing “couples life”; I pity you. The only coupling you will have is that four of five years in school. After that, the guy will so runaway you will not see his break light.
The Bible says: Hebrews 13:4 “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” Every line is worth studying and believing because it is true. It does not matter the tribe, religion or tongue, marriage is a honorable thing. That implies that there is nothing more dishonorable as sex outside marriage. Or, living as couples without the commitment of marriage.
That verse says further “…and the marriage bed undefiled…” The reason most people commit adultery is because they have been having sex before they married. You are most likely to defile your marriage bed if you had known “variety” before it. Marriage is knowing one man or one woman. If you have been used to knowing others, why will you now commit to one person now? That verse ends with the fact that God will judge adulterers and all who take the blessed art of sex for granted. For the woman, part of that judgement is that the man is unable to commit to marriage. The man will reap the fruit of his sin in the days to come.
May God grant those who have ability to hear ears to hear.