Marital Conflicts
By: Deji Yesufu
Femi Morgan published a note on Facebook, where he describes a conflict between a man and his wife. In the note, Morgan narrates overhearing his neighbors arguing, with their young son trying to mediate the matter. Thankfully, this particular situation did not end badly – the man simply took leave of the house. This is the solution I hear many people proffer to marital conflicts. They tell the man that the moment the woman starts to rant, he should simply leave the house. The point is that the space created will allow the various parties to cool off; one or both of them coming to realize their wrongs; and then reconciliation ensuing. I find this recommendation useful but not entirely wholesome. It is useful because, in many instances, it has prevented occasions where anger might boil over into violence. However, it is not healthy in that it leaves many fundamental issues unattended. In the case that Morgan narrated, the woman is very disrespectful and quite verbally abusive. The man is also reaching a tipping point, and to avoid doing something he would regret, he leaves the house. In this article, I want to suggest one idea for resolving marital conflicts.
There is simply no way we can talk about resolving marital conflicts without reaching at some fundamental things that characterize marriage. One of the first things we must appreciate about a man and a woman coming together in holy matrimony is that the idea is directly from God. It means that if the man and woman will remain together, they will need wisdom from God’s word and not from people, culture, or the system of this world to guide them. My worldview is fundamentally Christian and I am convinced that marriage outside of the Christian religion is bound to fail. It does not mean that all Christians will have a successful marriage; it means, however, that following the Christian manual, the Bible, is perhaps the most likely way a marriage will succeed.
In an interview I granted Edmund Obilo recently, I talked to him about a recent development in our society called the “side-chic”. I explain that the side chic has come about mainly because of the economic challenge of our day. Men tend to make more money in our society, and being constrained by religion to have a second wife, they resort to keeping a girlfriend by the side. This woman is well funded: provided a house, a business, and in some cases even funding for her children. The only thing the side-chic returns is sex. I explain that one reason this has come to be is that many women, after a few years in marriage, begin to take their husbands for granted. They lose respect for him, and some even fall into the very faulty notion that they are in some ways equal to their husbands. Most men do not debate this matter with their wives; they simply create competition outside the home. The wife comes to learn that Mr. Husband has an alternative outside, and they sit up. This leads me to the first and probably the most important aspect of a marriage: that wives should respect their husbands.
In the biblical account of Esther, there is a woman called Vashti who was the wife of King Ahasuerus. That king was the strongest ruler of his day. One day he asked his wife to come to the royal palace because he wanted to show everyone how beautiful she was; the woman refused, and that led to her dethronement. There is a story told of a king in the old Oyo kingdom. He had only recently married a young wife. One day he was taking his bath and it was the turn of this woman to wash the king. The story has it that this woman saw the king’s penis all shrivelled up and retorted – “…oh, you are so little down there…” and they both laughed over it. The following day, the woman was called in to see the king. There were two covered containers in front of the king. When she had come in, the king ordered that they open the lids on the containers. They both contained the heads of her mother and father. She screamed and the king replied: “…that is how small I am down there…”
If you read Femi Morgan’s write-up, you will discover that one of the things men suffer the most in their homes is verbal abuse from their wives. On rare occasions, some of these men respond by physically beating up the women – and on occasions like that the man is held culpable. But most men bear these insults quietly and gracefully. Unfortunately, many men do not handle these abuses well. They go out to get a side chic, or they go out and get drunk; or, watch football, or just hang out with the boys. I know men who leave their homes at 6 am and do not return until 10 pm just to avoid the verbal assaults of their wives. There is no man alive who can function well under a verbally abusive woman. We do not have the power to kill your parents today (and even if we do, many will not take such an extreme option), but we will wish that our wives will honour us. And as the story of Vashti goes, as long as a woman treats her husband as a king, she will remain a queen. The moment you dethrone your husband, you also cease to have the honour that comes with being married.
Now the scripture that teaches that women should “respect their husbands”, also admonishes men to “love their wives” (Ephesians 5:22-29). I argue, however, that the context of that scripture implies that the woman must be the initiator of the process – it begins with the woman instructed to submit to her husband. A man must love his wife, but most men do not come to this point of committing to and loving only one wife out of thin air. They do this in response to what the wife does. If a wife loves and respects her husband, a man has no choice but to love his wife; and even respect her in return. What we know of Obafemi Awolowo’s adoring of his wife is the statement he made when he called her “… my jewel of inestimable worth…” Very few people realize that Awo, as verbose as he was in his writing, was very careful with the way he used words. Those words he used to describe HID Awolowo were not mere platitudes – such that husbands would usually make to describe a wife in public; they were his heartfelt description of a woman who stood as a rock behind him in all his political travails. Wale Adebanwi, HID Awolowo’s biographer, said in his book on her that HID had realized very early in her marriage that Awolowo was going to become a very important political figure and she made up her mind that she would never impede his political pursuit – even to as little as delaying him in outings that they both were to go out on. She will always be ready in the car at least an hour before Papa comes out. I recommend that book (In the Radiance of the Sage: The Life and Times of HID Awolowo) to all women so they know how to respect their husbands and thus keep them both to themselves (away from side-chics) and also help them succeed in their careers.
If a woman loves and respects her husband, and the man in return takes this for granted and treats her with disrespect – she would have done what she is called to do. She will receive her reward both in this life and in the life to come. But woe betides that woman that disrespects her husbands; that welcomes him to the house with curses; that belittles him – comparing him to other men outside; etc. This woman’s marriage will fail; the man will get strings of side-chics outside; he will share the profit from his business with other women; and she will be the one to lose at the end.
In this article, I recommend that women should respect their husbands. Whether or not the man returns the favour, a woman must find grace before God to respect her husband and to honour him always. The biblical injunction is that many women have won their husbands to the Christian faith through their chaste behaviours. There is a principle in leadership that shows that there is a way a subordinate can operate in a system that would make the subordinate the leader in that system. You can very well influence your immediate boss by the way and manner you do your job; you can influence policies in the work system by honouring your boss, and respectfully presenting ideas to him. A system can work wholly by the ideas proffered by a subordinate. But the moment a subordinate think that they are equal to their bosses, and begins to try to outshine him before others, the Machiavellian principle of leadership tells us that that subordinate is about to experience a downfall.
Our wives can occupy a position of influential subordination. Some people have likened the woman to the neck that turns the head in a home. I have seen in many Christian families – how the woman, through love and respect for her husband, literally controls happenings in the home. To the point that the man many times will not decide an issue without the input of his wife. She has simply made herself irreplaceable. On the other hand, when a woman thinks she must also assert some authority in the home; in the process of verbally abusing her husband and painting him as incompetent to the world, she will also get her reward. My position in this essay is that there will be little or no marital crisis if women will learn to respect their husbands. The Bible says that Sarah called Abraham “lord” – it means the matriarch of our faith never called her husband by name. She honoured him, and in return, they had peace in their homes. In the Awolowo household: the man many Nigerians regarded as a “sage” never sat at the head of the table when the family ate together. Awo left that position for his wife – always. He argued that the nature of his work demanded that he rule outside his home. He learnt very quickly that his success in politics was entrenched in the fact that a woman was at home who ruled his house well. HID was the ruler of the Awolowo home, and Awo respected that fact by ensuring that she sat at the head of the table when they ate. When a woman loves and respects her husband, many times she comes to rule even her husband indirectly.
A word, they say, is enough for the wise.
Deji Yesufu is the Pastor of Providence Reformed Baptist Church Ibadan. He is the author of HUMANITY and VICTOR BANJO.
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