Marriage and Marketing Forces
By: Deji Yesufu
I read an article recently. The young man said that three middle aged men spoke to him privately, and separately too, that he should not be in a hurry to marry. They told him that if they were to live their lives all over again, they would probably never marry. They advised that in their own estimation perhaps it is better to keep short term relationships with women and care for the children that result from those relationships. A happy-ever-after marriage is not practical on this side of heaven. Just about the time I read that article, my daughter reported an incident in her class to us at home. One of her classmates just fainted in class. When she was revived and asked what the trouble was, she told her teachers that her parents were fighting. Perhaps the trouble at home reduced her appetite and because she had not eaten, her body succumbed to the weight of her thoughts.
I am a blogger and I am married, and many times when I write on marriage like this, people conclude that I am reflecting the state of my home publicly. Let me say upfront that this article has nothing to do with my home; even though, like all marriages in Nigeria, my own marriage has had its ups and down. My concern really in this article is to reflect on the state of marriages in this country, and perhaps find a response to those men who are counselling our young men not to marry. And, perhaps, find some counsel for our parents on how to handle their marital issues while at the same time protecting the young children God has put into our hands to raise. My standard is the Bible and I hope that you will come along with me as we find some wisdom within the Holy Writ.
When I think about “Marriage and Marketing Forces”, I am thinking naturally, first. I am not looking at marriage from the point of view of the Bible. Rather, I am thinking of the natural inclinations of men. Here is what is factual about men and women: most men remain virile and productive most of their lives – from early teens till even as late as their eighties. While the biological clock of a man is just starting, those of many women is winding down. On the side of population, there are many more women than men. In fact, in the days gone by the way society handled the proliferation of unmarried women was to get men to be polygamous. Christianity has now constrained men to one wife, leaving many women unmarried (I should put a side-note here that men still go ahead and have side-chics to make up for this defect. An argument for another day). In economics, market forces is basically resolving the tension between demand and supply. If a product is much in the market, the value comes down. If there are many unmarried women in society, the sacredness of marriage begins to be threatened.
As we deal with the market forces around marriage, we also must return to the state of the home. In my estimation, while a man leads a house, the woman owns the home. The state of the home is the state of a woman’s mind. I hold the theory that many women are the course of the problems in their homes. Most women take their husbands and their marriages for granted. The only reason why three middle aged men, all very successful in what they do, will regret marrying is because they are in a situation in their homes where their wives give them little or no regard. One woman told me “…you know you men like to be respected…” I thought to myself is not what men like; it is what men have earned. A man provides, protect, and leads a home. He gives his wife a name and honour outside. And this same woman return to that house and cannot respect her husband? In Wale Adebanwi’s book on HID Awolowo, the Yoruba matriarch spoke about how she protected her husband from the prying eyes of other women. She never took him for granted. On the other hand, many women cannot respect their husbands. The side-chic phenomenon is usually employed because many men realize that their wives will not learn a lesson until the woman discovers that there is competition outside. Besides, when the wife brings her madness, the man escapes to the other woman. When he has stayed away for a week or two, she begins to beg him to return. Marketing forces!
Is there a way out of this quagmire? I also think that the happiest day of a couple’s life is their wedding day. After that, the happiness in the home begins to go downhill. But I think there is a solution to this problem and I will try and conclude the essay that way.
The solution to marriages not failing is the gospel and the Christian church. It is sad that most marriages start in church but continue without the influence of the gospel or the church on it. Now, here is one fact we must realize: when the pastor ties the man and woman together at the altar, the pastor is also saying that the extent to which your marriage will thrive will be the extent to which you submit to Christ, the gospel, and the influence of the church on your home. Now, I agree that many churches are a synagogues of Satan. I agree that many counselling sessions with pastors have been the root of the problems of many homes. I agree that many pastors have become slaves to money rather than common sense. Yet, there is still no solution to marital issues outside Christ, the gospel, and the church.
The man and the woman coming together to marry, must at some point in their lives be married to Jesus Christ. They must have repented of their sins to him; submitted their lives to him; and learnt to obey his commands to their hearts. Anyone who enters marriage without having Christ as Lord of their heart will fail in marriage. It is after these, that the couple can come together and marry. Now, within marriage, two injunctions become the rule for husband and wife: “Husband love your wives… wives submit to and respect your husband”. There is no order to these injunctions. The man is not to love the wife first and then the wife to respect and submit to the husband next. No. These are individual duties that God command each party within a marriage to carry out, whether or not the other party is doing theirs. Love for wife will keep a man’s eyes single. He will not take a side-chic. Respect for husband will confer on men the honor they deserve, which will lead a man to love his wife more. Making their home an increasing paradise on earth. When trouble arise, or there is a disagreement between them, it is still the same order of loving wife and submitting to husband that will resolve the matter.
Therefore, if you are not a Christian, I expect that you will follow the counsel of those young men in the first paragraph: do not marry at all. Or, better still, marry more than one wife. Create market forces within your own home that will make your wife submit to your lordship. For the woman, I sincerely have no counsel for you. Perhaps, if you fast and pray, and engage deliverance pastors long enough, you will find solution to the problem you created yourself. But for those who have ears to hear: there is no marriage where Christ is not first Lord of the individual hearts. Then each party must commit to obey God’s commands to them. There is also a final component to all these: there must be a church where the couple must go to each Sunday to hear God’s commands to their hearts. Such a church will never need to mediate marital problems if the couple are already doing what they are supposed to do. But if the need arises, a pastor should look into a marital challenge and simply remind the couple of God’s commands to them.
So, if you are a young man out there and you want to marry, I believe I have explained to you what you need to make your home successful.
Deji Yesufu is the pastor of Providence Reformed Baptist Church Ibadan. He is the author of HUMANITY. He can be reached on [email protected]
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